Wednesday, March 19, 2008

These Four Walls

Just now, my father came into my room to voiced his discontent with our living arrangement. Here are bits and pieces of what he said today.

“I’m sick of coming home and finding out that you’ve done nothing.”

“Your grandmother gave me a note telling me she wants you to see a psychiatrist. She thinks I’m holding you back.”

“I know this is all irrelevant. What we want you to do really doesn’t matter. It’s your life, but you should do something with it. It can’t just be these four walls. It’s like that line from Ferris Bueller’s day off. Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop to look around, you might miss it. You’ve been looking around for six years now, so what’s happening?”

“Your mother yelled at me this morning because I wasn’t talking to you about it. But the problem is I never know what to say. Sometimes you’re on your way out, sometimes you’re working on something.”

It’s funny, I don’t remember hearing any yelling this morning, but then again, I do my best to ignore what happens beyond the four walls of my room.

Every time I have one of these conversations with one of my family members, I die a little inside, because while I know that they’re right, and that they’re only trying to help, they aren’t actually telling me anything I don’t already know.

The only thing I’m actually tired of is being nagged. Well, that and not having money, and living with my parents. And the no sex thing. Okay, so that’s really a lot of things, but done of them seem to empower me to find work. I do look for work, just not very hard. I keep coming back to the reasons I’m looking for work, and that dreaded question at the job interview, “Why do you want to work here?” I’m certain that I’m not unique in the real answer being “because I want money.” Yet there are people out there who are able to create reasons and are at least able to pretend they enjoy their jobs. That’s never really worked out for me.

“Do you have something to tell me?”

“I don’t really have anything intelligent to say to right now, no.”

“Well, think about it, but I want you to tell me something. It can be this week-end, it can be Monday, but let me know.”

“Okay. Thanks.”

So, now I’m wondering what I am going to tell him. Because it’s not like this is a new question. I’ve been thinking about what I want to do for years. And it’s not like I feel like I have to answer to him. Because really, there aren’t any consequences if I don’t.

5 comments:

ema nymton said...

Personally, I think he at least deserves an answer. Just tell him that you feel like you don't have a direction you want to go in, that you don't know what to do with your life - even site reasons why you feel as lost as you do. As you've said, there are no real consequences if he doesn't like what you say, but maybe if you level with him on a lot of these issues - y'know, have a father-and-son heart-to-heart - he'll lay off the nagging for a while.

Clerks for Mallrats said...

I suggest telling him(and your mom) firstly that nagging doesn't help, and in fact, it is really detrimental to the issue at hand.

I can't believe he quoted Ferris Bueller. If he's quoting that movie, what's the big issue?

But seriously, I believe I may have a solution that can help fix or at least prove a stop-gap in your situation: Mall-Job! You will have a job, you will be out of the house, you will meet more men/women leading to better chances of sexing and or further relationship development. I think a video game store, or book store, or movie selling place would do wonders. But if you want to take care of the last problem first, a high traffic job such as coffee shop or drink stand.
Of course this is only temporary and you should probably point this out to avoid future "You're not reaching your full potential at your current job" naggings. But knowing parents, this is unavoidable.

Malice Blackheart said...

The last time I applied for a mall job I actually got, they started me in the warehouse saying I could move to one of their stores later. I kept asking to be moved, but the warehouse is where they wanted me to stay, and finally because I’d asked about being moved so many times, they figured I would be happier being laid off, even though I was faster than, and whined and argued far less than a co-worker they kept on, “Puke.”

I agree with what you say though, Mallrat, these crappy jobs are just a band-aid, and the nagging doesn’t stop, which is part of what I noticed at my last job. They nag because it suits them to, not because it’s actually useful. That’s why I’m planning on checking out soon, which my sister isn’t going to like, because she’ll have twice as much of their shit to deal, but then again, maybe she’ll just move out too.

Ema, I totally agree about the owing of an explanation, but I’ve already told him I don’t know what the future holds for me. I wish there was something I could say to put his and my mother’s mind at ease, I really do, but I haven’t got anything. He says “Make a plan. Tell me something.” So this time, I told him my goal for the month is to build a blog. That’s not good enough for him. And, what is good enough for him, frankly doesn’t interest me. It won’t last. My mom and my dad have been terrorizing me about things I don’t do that THEY think I should do for years. Pointless homework assignments, going to camp, music lessons. I’m done trying to please them. What they want is totally irrelevant. My dad asked me “What if you don’t make it as a writer?” Then I guess it doesn’t matter, does it? But I’m trying, and I don’t feel I should have to justify this to them every damn day.

dealing weed at the mall said...

It's a curse, I know. Being a good worker is. The petty management types will always try to hold you back to make them look good. You've got to let your work ethic slacken, start smoking weed or some such shit.

Vida said...

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