Just now, my father came into my room to voiced his discontent with our living arrangement. Here are bits and pieces of what he said today.
“I’m sick of coming home and finding out that you’ve done nothing.”
“Your grandmother gave me a note telling me she wants you to see a psychiatrist. She thinks I’m holding you back.”
“I know this is all irrelevant. What we want you to do really doesn’t matter. It’s your life, but you should do something with it. It can’t just be these four walls. It’s like that line from Ferris Bueller’s day off. Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop to look around, you might miss it. You’ve been looking around for six years now, so what’s happening?”
“Your mother yelled at me this morning because I wasn’t talking to you about it. But the problem is I never know what to say. Sometimes you’re on your way out, sometimes you’re working on something.”
It’s funny, I don’t remember hearing any yelling this morning, but then again, I do my best to ignore what happens beyond the four walls of my room.
Every time I have one of these conversations with one of my family members, I die a little inside, because while I know that they’re right, and that they’re only trying to help, they aren’t actually telling me anything I don’t already know.
The only thing I’m actually tired of is being nagged. Well, that and not having money, and living with my parents. And the no sex thing. Okay, so that’s really a lot of things, but done of them seem to empower me to find work. I do look for work, just not very hard. I keep coming back to the reasons I’m looking for work, and that dreaded question at the job interview, “Why do you want to work here?” I’m certain that I’m not unique in the real answer being “because I want money.” Yet there are people out there who are able to create reasons and are at least able to pretend they enjoy their jobs. That’s never really worked out for me.
“Do you have something to tell me?”
“I don’t really have anything intelligent to say to right now, no.”
“Well, think about it, but I want you to tell me something. It can be this week-end, it can be Monday, but let me know.”
So, now I’m wondering what I am going to tell him. Because it’s not like this is a new question. I’ve been thinking about what I want to do for years. And it’s not like I feel like I have to answer to him. Because really, there aren’t any consequences if I don’t.