Saturday, April 26, 2008

10 Dorky Films I Can’t Wait to See

Okay, so for today’s entry, something nice and easy. There a great number of films coming out that are all going to be really bad. But guess what? I’m going to enjoy them anyway, unless the scripts are really so bad that I find myself asking the question, “Why do those guys get to be paid two hundred grand to write this. I could write better. Where’ my obscene amount of money for a month or so of real work?”

  1. G.I. Joe – Part of the problem with G.I. Joe is they’ve got almost as many villains as heroes, which would be so problematic if it weren’t for the ridiculous amount of heroes they have. The same could be said of the X-Men movies and the like, or say, Street Fighter (1994), which didn’t even make any sense, because they (and by “they,” I mean that hack Steven E. de Souza), spent far too much energy making sure they layered in as many characters as possible, plot be damned.
  2. Death Race – Sad as it is to admit, if I find out Jason Statham’s in something, I automatically want to see it. I think he’s the epitome of cool. This can backfire of course, with titles like War, a film which is an offense to every aspect of cinema. (You can read more about why I hate that particular film in my Film Review Blog. Recently, my good friend Ema introduced me to the original Death Race 2000, (which I also reviewed in my blog), and I’m very excited to see how they do the remake. From what I’ve read, it already sounds like they’ve worked out a much better plot and protagonist, but maintained the essence of the story and theme from the original.
  3. Tropic Thunder – Now here’s a thought. A parody of the war movie. I’ve wanted to see one for a long time, I just didn’t realize it. Particularly noteworthy is the fact that one of the main characters is in blackface, something no real movie has dared to try in some thirty or forty years. Unless you count White Chicks. And I do. So never mind.
  4. Arrested Development – This was an awesome show while it lasted, and I’m keen to see how nicely they can tie the whole thing up in one final shebang.
  5. Noah's Ark: The New Beginning – Who doesn’t love a good parody of a classic bible story?
  6. The Brazilian Job – Despite the fact that this is a sequel to a remake of a film that was fairly unintelligent to begin with, and despite its unfortunate name, I can’t wait to see the BJ. The dynamic between the characters in The Italian Job, particularly Handsome Rob and Lyle (the Napster) was enough to get me hooked on the sequel. Actually, as stated earlier, Statham’s presence is enough.
  7. Crank 2: High Voltage – Okay, this is the last Statham movie I’m going to list, I swear. But here’s what I love about Crank – You’ve got a hero who, not only should be dead by the end of the first film, but you wonder how he’s alive at all, because Chev Chelios has to be one of the dumbest protagonists ever to grace the screen, which is very difficult to do with a character, and still have him be this likable.
  8. Iron Man – ‘Nuff said.
  9. Get Smart – How many of you remember watching this as a kid? I used to watch it all the time in the 80’s, when I was clearly not old enough to understand a fair amount of the humor, but I enjoyed it for its slapstick elements, silly plots, and cleaver wordplays anyway. Another thing I enjoyed about the show is that it was one my dad had watched when he was a child, so it all came full circle, and we both had a show we loved to talk about. Of course, we also had the Disney cartoons. And Looney Tunes. You get the idea. Fun shows are always more fun when shared.
  10. The Dark Knight – Now, maybe it’s all a little over-hyped, but I’m keen to see the late Heath Ledger’s portrayal of The Joker, which is apparently so frightening it might send Jack Nicholson running for the hills, or the circus, or something like that. Anyway, it’s the most prolific performance of an actor’s final role in clown face before dying mysteriously since Brandon Lee. And I’m sure it won’t be the last. I wonder who’ll be next. My money’s on Jack Black. Of course, they say you should always bet on black.


ema nymton said...

Does White Chicks really count as blackface? It's kind of the opposite, isn't it?

Malice Blackheart said...

Yes. Yes it is.

m&m said...

C. Thomas Howell was in an 80s movie called Soul Man where he takes tanning pills in order to get into some college as a minority or something. Not very memorable.

Malice Blackheart said...

C Thomas Howell isn't very memorable. He was the star of some lame Francis Ford Coppola adaptation of The Outsiders, with Tom Cruise Patrick Swayze, and Matt Dillon all as wanker side characters. I know he works his ass off in the biz, but I can't say I've seen him in much else.

Malice Blackheart said...

And on closer inspection of his career, and speaking of bad sequels, and Tom Cruise, I've noticed he's in "War of the Worlds 2: The Next Wave".

Decadent and wasteful capitalist said...

Apparently the Aliens' advance technology now covers vaccines for Earth bugs. It's stupid movies that make me pray for an alien takeover. As for CTH's memorable roles, the only one that sticks out is his angsty revenge seeker character in Red Dawn(which I must say was a large part behind the philosophy of my formative years), which happens to have Patrick Swayze and Charles Sheen.

Inkpot said...

Are they really making a War of the Worlds sequel? omg, what is going to get them this time? Botox? I like this list of movies. I am really excited about the Dark Knight, Get Smart (loved Max and 99 in the series! Ah, happy memories) Iron Man (love RDjnr - can't wait to see him fly!) and ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT! I can't believe Maybe actully managed to get the movie deal. Heehee If the movie sucks, all I have to do is take some of Gob's forget me nows and it will make everything better.

Meghan said...

Can't wait for Get Smart. It makes me wanna get a spy decoder kit from a cereal box.

ema nymton said...

Hey, didn't this use to be a blog? :)

Anonymous said...

check this out:

Malice Blackheart said...

Wow. That’s all five of you.

Al: I hope when the aliens take over, they just decide we’ll make cute pets and start breeding us like crazy. We can do all kinds of cool tricks. Like, I can do cool stuff with a kung-fu stick, and play piano. How cool would it be to have a cat that could defend you against home invaders, and play the piano?

Inkpot: LOL – “Botox”! Brilliant! I must say, right after that touching moment between Gob and his son made me laugh so hard I almost wet myself. “I’ll never forget this, dad!” “I will, son. I will.”

Meghan: You’ve suddenly inspired me to do a cryptogram entry for this blog. That could be fun.

Ema: Yes, mother, this used to be a blog. I’m on it. ;)

Ravens: This Horvits guy reminds me of a concept Douglas Adams came up with in one of his Dirk Gently book. There was a robot whose sole purpose was to believe in things for people who didn’t have the time or energy to believe in them anymore, following the logic that we already have things like a VCR to watch programs for us, or I suppose an update would be TiVo.

spookygreentea said...

I can't even try to conceive a world where "War of the Worlds 2" could be anything but a joke. Or a dream.

Man, those fayth are really messing with my head.