Sunday, April 20, 2008

Blackheart’s Review: Passover

Okay, so last night, with nothing better to do, I decided to go see “Passover” or “Pesach” (Payce-Ugh) the Seder.

The treatment of the story was old, tired, and all-too predictable. You’d think that after 5700 years and change they’d maybe freshen up the story a little. Maybe add some sex or explosions, or Moses could have a comedy sidekick played by Owen Wilson. Yeah, and Ben Stiller as Moses. And Will Ferrel as the Pharaoh. That’d be a sweet comedy right there. But NO! The main gimmick as usual was the parting of the Red Sea. And it looked so fake! The special effects were crap!

And whatever became of the greatly anticipated sequel: “Passover II: Paint the Town DEAD”? I was looking forward to that one. The bit in the story about painting over your door with ram’s blood is a sorry substitute for a whole new epic story. Oh, big deal, so the angel of death floated down from above. I could see the strings. What was that, fishing line? Terrible!

As usual, there was very little story or character development, and the Seder seems to be more about groveling to some invisible guy than getting inside the headspace of the protagonist.

But the worst part of all was the singing. Terrible! Who died and decided that Passover should be a musical? There’s nothing more unpleasant to listen to than a bunch of untrained singers butchering the Hebrew language. And I already don't like the Hebrew language. My mother turned to me during the Seder and asked me:

“How many different keys do you think they’re singing?”

“All of them.”

Basically if you have twelve Jews in a room singing, you have thirty-six different keys, and that’s not even normally possible! If they modulate out of one key, they just invent a new one. “Halilah hazzeh, halilah hazzeh, mico-ol ha-le-lo…” *cough* *wheeze*

In a nutshell: Jews should stick to what they know, which is writing sitcoms, romantic comedies, and being lawyers, plastic surgeons, stand-up comics and shysters. Jews were not meant to sing.

Here’s a philosophical question: If a tree falls in the woods and kills a singing Jew, does anyone care?

Unless you’re a die hard Passover fan, you could probably give this mindless spectacle a miss. 1 Star

1 comment:

Blue shoe+Red Sea= wet said...

If I may interject my ignorance into a deeply religious posting:
I never really got the whole thing with the Red Sea. What the Sinai was too far out of the way? I think God just wanted a big grandiose Cecil B. DeMille ending to the captivity of the Jews in Egypt so he was like "Yo Mo, make for the Red Sea, I PROMISE you will not regret it..."