I haven’t been writing a lot lately, and I notice I’ve been making excuses, saying things like, “I’ve been getting caught up in other things,” but those are just lame excuses. The truth is that I just haven’t felt like writing. Part of the problem is that since I don’t really do much else, there’s not much for me to write about.
For instance, I went to see Depressia today, but that’s not really new, and she certainly didn’t say anything new. She asks me to show her how to use e-mail every time I’m there, and each time, my heart’s in it less and less, as I know it won’t stick. And every time I start explaining it, she cuts me off and moans about her vision, and her hearing, and how it’s too complicated, yet she keeps asking, hoping this time it will be different.
Not much is happening with that woman I like either. She tends to take a few days to get back to now, and though there tends to be a lot of bounce in her message, I get the distinct impression she has no interest in taking it further. And I don’t know what bothers me more, the fact that she’s not showing much interest, or the fact that I don’t much care anymore. I can’t even remember what I like about her. How am I supposed to establish any sort of connection with somebody if our conversations are so sparse I forget them. Maybe that’s a sign that I don’t really care about her at all. And that annoys me because it means there’s nothing at all going on in my life. So what the hell am I supposed to write about?
Of course, one can always depend on the newspapers for stories, but, those tend to be either sad and depressing, or something that isn’t worth mentioning.
So, then I just watch TV. And instead of being a good little writer and keeping up the pace of my book, I’ve been putting it off to watch the first 3 seasons, (or what’s available of them to date), of My Name Is Earl.
And the show got me thinking. The more of it I watched, the more I found I had in common with the main character.
Though I don’t necessarily believe in karma per se, and though I’m aware it isn’t just a concept that Carson Daly made up, I have a sense of having done a number of bad deeds throughout my life, and like Earl, my life sort of sucks right now. I’ve been cheated, cheated on, robbed, assaulted, given an STI, had permanent nerve damage, and the list goes on, but you get the idea. I don’t really blame anybody for any of this, because I know the truth is that I let a lot of this happen to me, without putting up much of a fight. Sometimes I catch myself asking “What did I do to deserve any of this?” but then again, what have I ever done for the world? Nothing. I can’t think of a single good deed I’ve gone out and done. I suppose I’ve given clothes to charity before, but only because I didn’t want them anymore, so that doesn’t really feel like generosity.
I’ve done bad things in my life. I’ve made bad choices, and that takes me to the theme of the day. Now, as I’ve said, I don’t believe in karma per se, but like Earl in the show, I get the feeling that I’m not ready for a relationship yet – that I haven’t earned one yet. There are a lot of things in my life that I’ve simply walked away from because they were too hard, too time-consuming, or too annoying, or even that required just a little too much ass-kissing for my liking.
So, I’ve thought up a new project for next month. I’m going to make up a list of all the bad things I’ve done in my life, and one by one, I’m going to make up for them and cross them off the list. And, silly as it sounds to create a goal based on a sitcom, at the very least, it’ll give me a decent thing to write about for the coming months. I don’t expect this will make my life better, but rather, I want to make other people’s lives better. I don’t just want to want to do it anymore, I want to actually do it, starting with the people I did wrong in the past.
The coming month will be devoted to the compilation of my list. I will also, of course, keep chipping away at my book, but with a more manageable amount (for me) of 1,000 words per day. Hopefully I can keep up with that.