Thursday, April 17, 2008

Post #50: Ways to Break away from a Blind Date

I thought to commemorate my 50th post, and in light of my hot date tomorrow, I’d make a list of 50 ways to escape a date gone horribly wrong, but, I only felt like making 20 of them. So, here they are, in no particular order. If you have your own to add, pease, feel free. Oh and obviously, some these are serious, some of them are not. Use your own judgment as to which of these might be tactful to use in real situations. Most of them are not. Dating is fairly intimidating, and nobody likes to feel judges. ‘Cept those morons on those reality dating shows, but they get what they’re asking for. They also probably get paid, which is a nice consolation too. We’ll go with that one. Leave these to trained professionals.

  1. Ask a friend to call you on your cell an hour into the date. Then you have an excuse to answer the phone. If it’s going badly, immediately after answering, say “Oh my god, he did what? Okay, don’t worry, I’ll be right there.” After you hang up, simply turn to your date and say “I have to go to the hospital.”
  2. Talk about your ex. Nothing will turn your date of faster than your obsession with the past, and your comparison of your ex to your date should signal a red flag for them to run.
  3. Run.
  4. Hit on your server, regardless of your sex or sexuality.
  5. Dig around in your purse, and when your date asks what you are doing, tell him. “Shit, I forgot my pepper spray. Sorry, now I gotta go get it.”
  6. Begin humming any frequency. Be consistent. Rock back and forth, and try throwing salt over both shoulders. Shush your date whenever he or she tries to interrupt you and ask what you are doing. Then say “thank you, god.” Repeat this until your date runs away.
  7. “I am gay. No, I only just realized it. Yeah, just now.”
  8. Ask him how he feels about castration.
  9. Try to sell her something.
  10. Fake a heart attack.
  11. Induce a real heart attack.
  12. Ask about how she or he feels about a really bizarre fetish you have. Keep bringing it up. If she/he responds favorably, and gets progressively more excited, perhaps this date isn’t a lost cause after all…
  13. Excuse yourself and go to the washroom. If you can, find a window through which you can escape. If it doesn’t have one, come back out immediately and complain of a lack of toilet paper in the washroom. Explain that you’re just going to run to the store to buy some, as your date’s company has made you seriously feel the need to pinch a loaf.
  14. Two words: Nose rape. Point at the sky/ceiling and say “What’s that?” When he or she looks up, shove a finger in his/her nose and yell “Nose rape!” Then run away, giggling with glee. You have just nose raped your date.
  15. Get really drunk and then call your date a slutty (man) whore.
  16. Lift up your hand and say “cheque please.” They’ll take the hint.
  17. Announce that you just realized your favorite TV show is on, and you have to go watch it right now. If they say “what, you can’t TiVo it?” You ask, “what’s TiVo?” They should give up on you as a lost cause at this point, but if they try to describe it to you, explain again that you have to go right now, because this week Brad is cheating on Stephanie with Stacy, and Phil found out, and Phil really likes Stephanie, so he’s going to try to blackmail Brad, except he slips the pictures to his neighbor by accident who’s a police officer, and also gay and…” You get the idea.
  18. Here’s a good one, and I admit I stole this from an episode of “The Office” I just watched. When she or he first arrives, and turns out to be far less attractive than advertised, (maybe she’s 50 pounds heavier, maybe he’s missing all his front teeth), simply pretend your name isn’t whatever they call you, and wish them luck on finding their hopeful. Who knows? Maybe some other shmoe will feel sorry for him/her and buy them a drink.
  19. Scratch you crotch. A lot, and become more and more animated in the scratching, and finally say, “excuse me, I’ve gotta powder myself again.” Then disappear to the bathroom. When you return, hopefully, (s)he will be gone.
  20. To end the date with utmost style, make sure you do this near a body of water. Perhaps you met your date at the beach, or for a romantic paddleboat ride, or maybe it’s a riverside restaurant. When things aren’t going well, suddenly stand up and scream “FUCK YOU BITCH!” and jump into the water. If you need to remove your shoes before swimming, take them off and dump them on the table, preferably in your date’s food, and then deliver the line. Now run for the water. Giggle with glee, for you are free, as (s)he is almost certain not to pursue you. If (s)he does, (s)he may in fact be a keeper after all. Try to get this one on film if you can.


ema nymton said...

If you are driving your date to or from a location after the evening has turned sour, drive to the city limits or a remote hilltop. As you pull up, say something like "I wanted to show you the beautiful view from here." As soon as your date gets out, jump back in the car and burn rubber until you're far, far away.

ema nymton said...

"My psychic friend is in trouble! Gotta go!"

I have a lot of dildos. said...

I like the recruiting for a cult date. "They're the best, they can really turn your life around," when the date insists that they don't need any turning around in their life ask questions about past alcohol/drug/sexual abuse. About any insecurities you might think they have. They might be overweight or wear glasses. Point these out incessantly. Make them feel alienated. But keep pressure on that the cult can turn their life around and grant anything they want(anything, the point is to get them through the door, after that your job is done and it's up to the revered leader).

Or fake that you can't speak the language. This is easier for me to do but it also works for whitey. If you think that they might be well traveled and know different languages take a page form the movie Nell.

Keep bringing up that you have a friend with a video camera that is really into "women/men like you", "and s/he has the latest in video equipment, I mean you can see everything".

"Ever thought about gettin' the herpes?"

spookygreentea said...

"Huh? Oh, no, I'm pretty sure you're looking for a different [insert full name here]."