Saturday, April 19, 2008


Okay, because I don’t have a lot of time today, (I’m on my way out to Passover Seder in about 10 minutes), but I do want to make an entry, I’m doing something quick, yet thematically festive for Pesacccchhh. (And yes, though I am relentlessly atheist, I do love to go out on a religious holiday and pig out and get drunk with friends and family.)

  1. Thou shalt not show up late to thine first date. Seriously, you do this, you might as well have been wearing a chastity belt, because you’re never going to get laid if you do this. She or he is going to think you don’t respect them or value their time, and they’re not going to respect you, either.
  2. Thou shalt not ask how the date is going. Maybe you’re nervous. Maybe you think she or he isn’t feeling the magic, but whatever you do, don’t say something like “so how’s this date going? I’m I doing all right?” There is only one right answer to this. (Of course your date will say something reassuring, unless they’re really mean.) If things were already going badly, now they’ve just gotten worse. If you were doing fine, now you aren’t, because you just brought the date into the realm of awkward.
  3. Thou shalt not come on too strong. Maybe you feel like you’re face-to-face with the woman or man of your dreams. Don’t say something like “I know this is just our first date, but I really, really like you.” If you’re a man, women want to see that you can control yourself, and pace your emotions. If you’re a woman, you’ll simply scare him, and he’ll think you’re either desperate or cheap, or perhaps both, but he probably won’t respect you. He might, but let him do the chasing. Men like that anyway, even though some won’t admit it.
  4. Thou shalt not go home with thine date on the night you first meet. Unless you’re just looking to get your rocks off in a meaningless fling, moving this fast means bringing your relationship to an early grave. Think about it. What do you talk about the morning after? “Oh yeah, so what country are you from?” Or, “Oh, I didn’t realize you were a Scientologist.” There’s still so much you don’t know about one another, yet you’ve gone all the way, if you’re even still there in the morning.
  5. Thou shalt not dwell upon the past. I’m sure you loved your ex very much, and he/she broke you heart, but guess what? Your date doesn’t want to be compared to your ex, which is exactly what it’s going to feel like when you keep bringing him or her up. If he or she asks, fine, but keep it short. The most important love interest in your life, at least for the moment, is the person in front of you.

And… I have to go, but I’ll finish this later. Or, heck, maybe you guys can finish it for me.


ema nymton said...

6. Thou shalt turn off thy damned cellular telephone or blackberry or other such gizmo. This seems like a no-brainer, but nothing gives your date the impression that you don't find him/her important than your cellphone going off. And if it goes off, for the love of God, don't answer it. Just switch it to silent mode.

Unless, of course, you're using the tactic from a previous post where you've got a buddy lined up to call halfway into the date to give yourself an easy getaway.

Good ole fashioned shotgun wedding said...

Take this dark chocolate, to remember the bitter dates. And these flowers, that she may bloom for you. And drink this wine, to fortify your courage.

Malice Blackheart said...

7. Don’t show up drunk. I’ve had two women do this to me, and in both cases they admitted it was because they were nervous. This is a great way, not only to sabotage your date before it begins, but to not remember it either. If you show up with a few drinks in you, you’re not going to appear any more relaxed. You’re just going to reek of alcohol, which will give the first impression of being an alcoholic.

drunk women said...

Whoa whoa whoa... I think you should specify that #7 is strictly a male only rule, and that's only for heterosexual males.

Malice Blackheart said...

LOL - Why would it be male only? Most of the women I've spoken to aren't impressed when their male dates show up drunk either. Has it worked for you? Do you know something I don't?

Can I buy you a liter? said...

No I meant that heterosexual males should not show up drunk to dates. Everyone else should. Why? So that happy fun fun can get a kickstart.