Monday, April 7, 2008

A Light-Hearted Roasting of Lavalife

Writing Day: 4

Word Count: 11,039

Today, I’m roasting, or rather, the women (and in passing, probably some of the men) on it. Here’s a translator I’ve devised from my experience on the site over the past year and a half. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not totally roasting the site, as it has gotten me laid, and I do still enjoy poking through the profiles and hitting on the odd female. Rather, I’m honoring it by making relentless fun of it.

Note: I did not come up with all of these. Some of them were devised by a very funny girl I don’t know. Or someone else before her, I’m not really sure. But they’re mine now.

What she says about herself

What it actually means

Body Type: Thin

Thin, usually

Body Type: Fit

“I practice a sport occasionally”

Body Type: Athletic

No Boobs

Body Type: Voluptuous


Body Type: A few extra pounds

Many, many extra pounds

Body Type: King or Queen-sized

Fat, and honest about it

Body Type: Muscular

Variant on “Fit”. All people have muscles.

Body Type: Average

Could mean literally anything.


Will sleep with your friends





Contagious Smile


Emotionally Secure

Heavily Medicated


Not serious about dating

Free Spirit

Hippie / Drug Addict

Friendship First

Former Slut / Recovering Slut







New Age

Body hair in the wrong places



Outgoing / Life of the Party

Loud, Obnoxious, Annoying and Vapid


Likes sex. Honestly, who doesn’t?


Morose and Alienating


Idealistic, looking for any reason to dump you



Wants Soul Mate

Will Stalk You (This one’s kinda fun actually.)

Working Professional

Underpaid Customer Service Worker


Poisoner or Axe Murderer

There was this one woman in particular who listed herself as “thin” when she is 5’1” and 170lbs. I’ll tell you right now, this girl had quite the beer gut. Something to be proud of, to be sure. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with being “on the heavy side,” but don’t flat out lie about it, because then when you show up for your date, not only is your true weight revealed, but you’ve just given me the first impression that you’re a liar. That is to say, with this one particular girl, I knew she was a liar before she even opened her mouth, and that made the rest of the date rather awkward, though in the end it was still enjoyable. She was good company, and had some good stories to tell. Of course, who can say whether or not they were true, at least she told them well. Well she invited me up that night, I politely declined. I’ve not spoken with her since, but I’ve revisited her profile, now it is roughly a year later, and it still reads “thin.” My one regret is not bringing this to her attention, as I think it is crucial for her success, but how do you bring something like that up without hurting their feelings. There is even an option not to list your body type – that would be perfectly acceptable. Dishonesty is not.


a picture of my vagina. said...

Excellent! This would go great with my project of deciphering what people are saying through their profile pic.
Body language is a major part of communication and a picture tells a story.
I've been using mostly myspace profile pics though. Nothing solid as of yet but still in the works, and anyone can do it! It's basically the same as using tarot cards or dream interpretation mixed in with lots of empathy.

spookygreentea said...

Perhaps you met her just before the liposuction. ;)

Malice Blackheart said...

LOL - or just before the end of her third trimester. Though I saw her a few months later at the music festival, and she looked much the same.

Al, man, your names are hilarious.

The greediest pimp of all said...

Who's Al? I'm Lucinda. But on a different topic, I signed on to Lavalife and it seems that all the hot women are 500-1600 miles away from me. I'm still deciding if I should pack my profile full of lies and see what kind of response I get:

"Long luxurious hair.... on my shoulders. 6'11".... in ridiculously high heels. Self employed.... selling $1 bills for $5 on ebay, +S&H of course."

Malice Blackheart said...

"Lucinda," huh? Joo sound pretty hot. Maybe you should pack up your things and move to Canada and we can have a few laughs together. Maybe go splitsies on a cheap Montreal hooker.

I can has horz? said...

I wish I could go to Canada for a visit. And the hooker part makes it even more tempting. Unfortunately I'm stuck down here.

spookygreentea said...

You know there was a guy that had an extra thirty pounds on him from carrying around a dead fetal twin... wouldn't that be an awesome twist?

You'd be getting two dates for the price of one!

Now... would that be considered pedophilia and necrophilia? Hmmm.

Malice Blackheart said...

I call it a three-way, but maybe that's just the optimist in me talking. I'm sure the fantasy is far better than the reality. In reality I'd probably be like. "Hey, your vagina has teeth... and an eye, and it's looking at me funny.