Writing Day: 4
Word Count: 11,039
Today, I’m roasting lavalife.com, or rather, the women (and in passing, probably some of the men) on it. Here’s a translator I’ve devised from my experience on the site over the past year and a half. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not totally roasting the site, as it has gotten me laid, and I do still enjoy poking through the profiles and hitting on the odd female. Rather, I’m honoring it by making relentless fun of it.
Note: I did not come up with all of these. Some of them were devised by a very funny girl I don’t know. Or someone else before her, I’m not really sure. But they’re mine now.
What she says about herself | What it actually means |
Body Type: Thin | Thin, usually |
Body Type: Fit | “I practice a sport occasionally” |
Body Type: Athletic | No Boobs |
Body Type: Voluptuous | Fat |
Body Type: A few extra pounds | Many, many extra pounds |
Body Type: King or Queen-sized | Fat, and honest about it |
Body Type: Muscular | Variant on “Fit”. All people have muscles. |
Body Type: Average | Could mean literally anything. |
Adventurous | Will sleep with your friends |
Average-Looking | Fugly |
Beautiful | Stuck-up |
Contagious Smile | Funny-looking |
Emotionally Secure | Heavily Medicated |
Feminist | Not serious about dating |
Free Spirit | Hippie / Drug Addict |
Friendship First | Former Slut / Recovering Slut |
Fun | Annoying |
Funny | Fat |
Gentle | Boring |
New Age | Body hair in the wrong places |
Open-minded | Desperate |
Outgoing / Life of the Party | Loud, Obnoxious, Annoying and Vapid |
Passionate | Likes sex. Honestly, who doesn’t? |
Poet | Morose and Alienating |
Romantic | Idealistic, looking for any reason to dump you |
Shy | Dull |
Wants Soul Mate | Will Stalk You (This one’s kinda fun actually.) |
Working Professional | Underpaid Customer Service Worker |
Widow | Poisoner or Axe Murderer |
8 comments:
Excellent! This would go great with my project of deciphering what people are saying through their profile pic.
Body language is a major part of communication and a picture tells a story.
I've been using mostly myspace profile pics though. Nothing solid as of yet but still in the works, and anyone can do it! It's basically the same as using tarot cards or dream interpretation mixed in with lots of empathy.
Perhaps you met her just before the liposuction. ;)
LOL - or just before the end of her third trimester. Though I saw her a few months later at the music festival, and she looked much the same.
Al, man, your names are hilarious.
Who's Al? I'm Lucinda. But on a different topic, I signed on to Lavalife and it seems that all the hot women are 500-1600 miles away from me. I'm still deciding if I should pack my profile full of lies and see what kind of response I get:
"Long luxurious hair.... on my shoulders. 6'11".... in ridiculously high heels. Self employed.... selling $1 bills for $5 on ebay, +S&H of course."
"Lucinda," huh? Joo sound pretty hot. Maybe you should pack up your things and move to Canada and we can have a few laughs together. Maybe go splitsies on a cheap Montreal hooker.
I wish I could go to Canada for a visit. And the hooker part makes it even more tempting. Unfortunately I'm stuck down here.
You know there was a guy that had an extra thirty pounds on him from carrying around a dead fetal twin... wouldn't that be an awesome twist?
You'd be getting two dates for the price of one!
Now... would that be considered pedophilia and necrophilia? Hmmm.
I call it a three-way, but maybe that's just the optimist in me talking. I'm sure the fantasy is far better than the reality. In reality I'd probably be like. "Hey, your vagina has teeth... and an eye, and it's looking at me funny.
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