Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Just another day at the office...

I'm at the office today, for the second time, just for the day. Just filling in for others.
Sorry for my truancy from blogger of late, but the good news is that I've been away long enough for there to be actual news. Just not very much news. Not yet, anyway.
I got myself a suit and some nice shoes over the week-end, and I'm going to a job fair tomorrow, hopefully to find some places which may be looking for a man with my skill set.
I haven't had a real grown-up job in like, well, ever, so at this point the notion of getting one doesn't even seem real. I've grown so used to being asked what I'm doing with my life, and just shrugging my shoulders. And now every time either of my parents poke their head into my room I'm dreading the third degree - to the point where I simply don't want to talk to them at all. At this point I wonder if when I finally do find decent employment if that feeling will go away.
And on the subject of stream of consciousness, let me tell you another story, about my Auntie Flo. She has, without fail, done something to insult, annoy or horrify me every single time she has ever profaned me with her presence. It has reached the point where ever hearing her name, and learning that she's thinking of coming to visit, that I become distraught. She enters a room, and suddenly I feel like a trapped animal and I want to gnaw my own arm off to escape, rather than stick around to find out what new insane thing she's going to do or say.
My Auntie flow has been known to yell at friends of mine she's never met before, before even saying hello - yelling at them over some insane house rule she's got into her head. The rules of MY house, and not hers. She does this one all the time. She once accused my friends of throwing her coat on the floor, after she precariously balanced it on a window sill. Even a sub-normal brain should theoretically be able to figure out that when you place things haphazardly like that, sometimes they fall.
Oh, and speaking of stream of consciousness, and this is sort of embarrassing, really, but the other day, my sister asked me when I chose "Auntie Flo" to describe her, of all things. I said I just like the ring it had to it. It's a name I took from a play called "The Well Being." And so my sister says that women use the term "auntie flo" as a euphemism for their menstrual period.
See, I didn't know that, but it occurs to me that it's actually really obvious. And now that I know this, it makes the name that much more brilliant. The runner up name for her, "Heinous Bitch" while colorful and descriptive, it just doesn't have that subtle finesse. She really does behave as though she's constantly on her rag, though she is in fact, post-menopausal. And of course, whenever my Auntie Flo comes to town, it really does feel like I’m having my own menstrual period.
And speaking of Auntie Flo, the last e-mail she sent round was advising the rest of my family that I should seek therapy. There's clearly something wrong with me - there must be, because I don't have a job, right? I must be.
Next time she visits and asks me what I'm planning for the near future, I'm tempted to say:
"Oh, well, you remember that e-mail you sent round to everyone? Well, we all took it to heart, and I'm checking into a long-term adult care facility. They'll take good care of me there. Also, I've advised Grandma Depressia to forward my entire inheritance to you."
"Yeah, of course. I mean, lord knows you need it more than I do, what with your extravagant spending habits and all. Take my sister's, too. She got a scholarship anyway, so she doesn't need it. That way you can have lots of money to piss away long before you retire. Well, assuming you don't siphon off the rest of her money first, you selfish conniving heinous bitch."
But don't worry; I won't.


Uncle Rod said...

I can't believe that you haven't gotten into hilarious episodes with her! Prank phone calls, fake love letters, SBDs, there is a world of fun to be had. I wish I was there and that you'd introduce me, I'd love to gum up her works with my special brand of friendly nincompoopery.
"Oh I'm sorry? Was that your coat?"

Malice Blackheart said...

Oh, there have been episodes with her, but they were far from hilarious.

There was this one time I just started screaming at her in the middle of the street, in front of N/A and my mom. I just lost it and started screaming. She'd been making my life a living hell and she had been threatening to leave me stranded without her crappy horse trailer after agreeing to help me move all my furniture.

I actually wanted to use a moving van, but my mom insisted this was better. I should never have listened to her, because if you give Auntie Flo any power, she abuses it without mercy. I'm never depending on her for anything again, ever.

You know how I finally got her to shut-up and behave herself? I screamed at her at the top of my lungs, and she thought I was going to beat her to death in the street. I really hated myself for making her fear me, but at the time, I realized, that like a dog, it's the only thing she really responds to.

There's more to it than that - this story actually deserves its own entry. I'll add it later. I should also add this to "the list."

hated myself for making her fear me said...

Damned, maybe you should play her game and start sending out emails that suggest that she might need professional help?
She sounds like the kind of person that I dislike the most: The social politesse vampire. They do everything they can just to get away with it because they know that other people love them and that those other people are bound by the rules of social order and politesse. And they always come out the martyr.
It is mean to get vindictive but it does seem(out of the goodness of your heart) that she really does need professional help. Maybe there are unresolved issues that she can't deal with on her own? And all of this acting up and acting out is just a desperate cry for help? EXCELLENT! MUUAAAHH!

p.s. I love this line so much: "I really hated myself for making her fear me", it's kind of funny from a big picture comedic aspect view of things, but I'm sure if I were in your shoes I'd probably be a whole lot nastier.

Inkpot said...

First off, it is good to see you back blogging! Maybe you had bloggers block too? Good luck at the job fair. I've never had a 'proper' job either, well not really (long story) so looking for one sounds both scary and... no, it just sounds scary. Good luck!
As for Auntie Flo, I can only commiserate. There is a tv series in the UK called The IT Crowd (it is a very funny comedy) and in one episode they refer to Aunt Erma, who is similair to your definition of Aunt Flo. Ok, that's just random. Your Aunt must have pushed you really far to end up screaming at her. Whenever I meet people like that and they push to my limit and I react I always end up looking like the bad guy, they are so good at manipulating situations. Social politesse vampire is a good label, as another poster commented.

Malice Blackheart said...

I shall have to check out "The IT Crowd." I've always thought the Brits make the best sitcoms, primarily because they can make all of their characters so nasty to one another.