The first is the damned cold in the house. It turns out there’s a big red button behind the furnace that resets everything. Boy do I feel silly. But I get to feel silly and warm at the same time.
The second is all that writing that I still need polish and publish. I feel like I’m even further away from finishing anything since I first set my goal, but then again, goals change, and now I find myself back in school, immersed in literature I never thought I’d read, and learning Japanese, a language I never though I’d be able handle because of how different it is. And really, on all these aforementioned fronts, I’ve got a long way to go.
The third is Nurse Betty.
I found out a few days ago that she’s been angry with me for an entire month, without telling me. Apparently I blogged about some things that she felt were off limits, and that I said some things that were out-of-line. So instead of confronting me right away, she decided to harbor anger towards me for a month, passive-aggressively avoiding every attempt I made to talk to her, message her, or meet with her.
Of course, when she finally spoke up about it, it all made sense. Well, a little. I tried to apologize to her, because at first I thought perhaps I did genuinely say something that was out of line. I looked through the old posts, and found nothing, really. I made fun of her in one post, but not in any way I wouldn’t make fun of any other friend that did something silly, and the context behind it is one of affection, not of disrespect.
She also never expressly told me I couldn’t blog about her, but somehow, she feels there’s a universal tacit understanding that there are some things you aren’t allowed to blog about. News flash, Betty: there’s not. You may think that your particular code is the only code, but it’s not. It’s just what you think. And I have tried so hard to respect it, too. I tried to explain that I didn’t know you’d be so bothered by it, and that I never ever meant any harm. I even offered to take it all down. But no, you wouldn’t hear it. All you said was “this conversation is over,” like it was your trump card or something.
I sent her another message a few days ago, trying again to apologize. She simply ignored it.
So now, Betty, I’m done apologizing. I’ve thought about it more and I’ve concluded that the problem was never with me to begin with, but with you. You’re the one who refuses to talk this through like an adult. I did something that I had no reason to expect would offend you, and when I found out you didn’t like it, I apologized, and more importantly, I stopped. I even offered to delete it all. Somehow none of that was good enough for you. Don’t you realize it doesn’t get better than that? Is what I did, which, for the most part was pour my heart out into poems about how much I care about you, so unforgivable? How do you manage to keep any friends at all? Do you live in a magical fairytale land where nobody ever makes mistakes? This behavior, getting pissed off for an entire month over nothing, screams “high-maintenance.” Should I be relieved that you want nothing to do with me?
Or maybe this is your clever way of telling me that you’re not interested in me. You’re allowed not to be interested in me, you know; I still would have been more than happy to be your friend, no guilt attached. But instead, you tried to make this out like it’s my fault, like I blew it. So now, instead of simply feeling rejected, I find myself groveling apologetically, like the obedient dog you just kicked because the bad men who actually hurt you this year are out of your reach. I know you’ve had a rough year, Betty, I know that, but that’s no excuse to take it out on me. I wanted nothing more than to be your ally through it all.
Now I’m so wound up and pissed off back at you that I don’t even know if I want to talk to you at all anymore. I can’t believe that you would take our friendship and flush it down the toilet over nothing. Especially once you found out I’m in love with you. That’s just evil. I’ve been nothing but nice to you, and nothing but fond of you since very first we met. It makes no sense. You make no sense.
I’m posting all this for two reasons. The first, because this is where my friends are – people who actually care enough to read about my feelings. I see no reason to waste them all on you. The second reason is that I think this post expresses exactly what you need to see.
Now that that’s off my chest, I’m going to go make myself pretty for a semi-formal New Year’s party. Happy New Year, everyone, particularly to my die-hard followers Ema Nymton, Inkpot, my sister of course, and to Scarlet the Spy. You guys make this all worthwhile.