Monday, January 19, 2009

When you think you have nothing to say…

Sometimes when you have nothing to say, it’s the best time say it. I’ve been thinking for a long time. Too long.

“I’m sorry your girlfriend left you. I know how you feel man, and the best thing for you right now is to know that you’re a tall handsome stud, and if I were a chick, I’d bang ya.”

“I’m offended that you threw away your granola bar today, rather than eating it. Why would you suspect I would do something unhygienic to it? This is the thanks I get for guarding your stuff while you’re gone? I may make fun, but I would never do that. Especially not to a girl like you, who won me over last year with her bright pretty eyes, and your perfect bangs.”

“Stop telling me to bundle up. I’m 29 years old, and I know how to take care of myself. I may lie to you on occasion, but only because you force me to, with lines like ‘I won’t take no for an answer.’ You complain too much. But I love you.”

“You need to talk to me. I know I said I was so mad I didn’t want to talk to you, but really, though I myself wanted to believe, I think it was a lie. Anyway, you started it. Maybe you’re still mad at me. But I can’t stand the void that’s growing between us. Maybe you think it’s better that way. I know now that you never liked me in that way, but still, I wonder why we can’t still speak as friends.”

“Sometimes you think I hate you. I don’t, but you irritate the hell out of me. You don’t learn. Mom tells me that I should be more patient with you – that you never had children of your own, but really wanted them. Well, that’s sort of a non-sequitur isn’t it? Being a spinster is no reason not to play nice. But I think I understand. I can admit that, at this point, most of my hostility towards you is a Pavlovian reaction, knowing in advance that you’ll annoy me. I’m sorry that we don’t get along, just not sorry enough to fix it.”

“I’m sorry I broke up with you. Maybe some day you’ll come to know just how sorry I am.”

“The reason I lost all respect for you is not that you immediately insulted my last girlfriend, building up an unnecessary wall of resentment, with me in the middle. Nor is it that you took advantage of the girlfriend before that; because really, let’s face it; she was making herself available, and she’s probably the best you’ll ever get. I’m not even mad about the cat. What I really can’t stand about you, is this belligerent attitude you have about idealist politics. Or idealist economics. Or idealist whatever. You read one editorial, and suddenly you act like you’re an expert, when in truth, you’re just a surrogate for some other opinionated asshole. And you get away with it too, because most people don’t know what you’re talking about, nor do they know from where in the hell you get your information. I’m ashamed to be seen with you, and I’m a 29-year-old who still lives with his parents. Then again, so are you.”

“I think about you a lot more than I should probably admit, and it always makes me smile. And it’s not just because you’re pretty, though you are very pretty.”

“I love the fact that you wear thongs to class. There are a number of guys who would probably greatly appreciate it, if they were to notice. Which they haven’t. I admit I’m a little jealous of whomever you wear it for, but I appreciate it for its base beauty nonetheless. You vixen you.”

“You should probably brush your teeth a little more often.”

“You always know just what to say. I wish I was more like you.”


Inkpot said...

I think you've covered pretty much everything there. :) I think I know who some are them are for, others I am a loss. Good to see you back blogging, Mal. I was worried about you.

Inkpot said...

Hi Mal, how's it going? Are you swamped with exams and college work? Hope to hear from you soon. Inky :)

Malice Blackheart said...

Hi Inkpot. I wouldn't say I'm terribly swamped yet. Really I've just been feeling a bit lazy.

Inkpot said...

I understand. :) I miss your regular posts though.