What would N/A do if she knew I thought of her daily? What would she say if I told her?
I haven’t seen her for two years. It doesn’t make sense that I’m still thinking of her. She’s gone. She’s gone because I wanted her gone. I no longer know why I wanted her gone, but she’s gone. She’s gone because she wants to be gone. I’m sure she wants to be done with it all because feeling it was too painful for her. She was never meant for pain, and I should never have caused it.
I have not seen her in two years, yet I feel like we parted only yesterday. I still burn for her, as if she were still there, waiting for me.
What would she think of me if she knew this? Would she be disgusted? Would she think I am creepy? Does she think that already? Is that why she has made herself so difficult to contact?
I feel like we said goodbye only yesterday, and that we could just pick back up, if only she said it was okay. But even if she did, what would say to her. It has been so long that I can’t think of a single thing to say, other than things I shouldn’t, or can’t possibly mean. Things like “I miss you,” or “I still need you,” or “you haunt my dreams.” They all feel true, but are they? How can they be? And even if they are, I cannot say them. The last time I tried she made me regret it. She made it clear that I couldn’t. I don’t remember what she said, or how she said it to make it clear, but it’s been over for ages. Yet for me it isn’t. Is it because I love her, or because I hate myself? The latter is a stupid reason, and I would never hate myself on purpose, but this is something I’m not sure I can control. Maybe I have to let it run its course. Maybe I have to find someone new. Maybe I have to rush back to
What would N/A do if she knew how tortured I was over her? Would she laugh at me? Would she be glad I’m so miserable for what I did? Would she smugly say “I told you so?”
What would N/A feel? My worst fear is that she would feel nothing at all.