Friday, March 28, 2008

What would N/A think of me now?

What would N/A do if she knew I thought of her daily? What would she say if I told her?

I haven’t seen her for two years. It doesn’t make sense that I’m still thinking of her. She’s gone. She’s gone because I wanted her gone. I no longer know why I wanted her gone, but she’s gone. She’s gone because she wants to be gone. I’m sure she wants to be done with it all because feeling it was too painful for her. She was never meant for pain, and I should never have caused it.

I have not seen her in two years, yet I feel like we parted only yesterday. I still burn for her, as if she were still there, waiting for me.

What would she think of me if she knew this? Would she be disgusted? Would she think I am creepy? Does she think that already? Is that why she has made herself so difficult to contact?

I feel like we said goodbye only yesterday, and that we could just pick back up, if only she said it was okay. But even if she did, what would say to her. It has been so long that I can’t think of a single thing to say, other than things I shouldn’t, or can’t possibly mean. Things like “I miss you,” or “I still need you,” or “you haunt my dreams.” They all feel true, but are they? How can they be? And even if they are, I cannot say them. The last time I tried she made me regret it. She made it clear that I couldn’t. I don’t remember what she said, or how she said it to make it clear, but it’s been over for ages. Yet for me it isn’t. Is it because I love her, or because I hate myself? The latter is a stupid reason, and I would never hate myself on purpose, but this is something I’m not sure I can control. Maybe I have to let it run its course. Maybe I have to find someone new. Maybe I have to rush back to Toronto and throw myself at her door. Maybe there’s a way, some way that I can repent for all that pain and waste I laid to our relationship. I have committed no crime, made no betrayals, except to my own heart. I have made my peace with all of those who have wronged me, except myself.

What would N/A do if she knew how tortured I was over her? Would she laugh at me? Would she be glad I’m so miserable for what I did? Would she smugly say “I told you so?”

What would N/A feel? My worst fear is that she would feel nothing at all.


Anonymous said...

I wish I had great words of wisdom to offer up... but I don't. I wasn't going to comment at all, but I wanted you to know that I hear you, and I feel for you. Love is hard, and we all make mistakes and end up hurting the people we love most. I get through it by trying to forgive- both the people who have hurt me and myself. See, when I try to write something true and meaningful about this it just sounds trite and cliche. But it's true all the same.
- a random number of ravens

ema nymton said...

I wish I had something to suggest other than "Try not to think too hard about it and get on with your life", but I really don't. It's a tough situation to be in, and I know that you're not alone in it.

Maybe part of the problem is in your living and work situation. Perhaps if you didn't have so much time alone with your thoughts, you would find it easier not to dwell on things like this. There's no point in wallowing in regret, particularly when it comes to situations where so much time has passed, and they seem to be beyond the point of reparation. We all have baggage, our demons, our skeletons in the closet. We're all haunted by our pasts. The key to living is being able to live with ourselves.

But you know all this already.

Malice Blackheart said...

Aw, thanks guys. You're making me blush. I was thinking about not posting this, as its just meandering hopelessness, but then I thought, no, I have to be true to myself. If this is what I'm thinking about, this is what I have to write.

You know, working full-time at the warehouse was actually even worse, because she's all I thought about all day, since I wasn't really doing anything else with my brain. Maybe that's part of why I hated it so much.

The bad fairy said...

Two computers are hooked up to work on a complex mathematical problem. One day they are separated without any networking. No matter how similar they are their answer will always be different.

I am not a trained professional but I am a human being:
I don't think you should try to "get away" from these thoughts and feelings through work or going out because that just makes them fester, and you will always have time to go back to them on your own. You have to come to terms with the fact, yes fact, that your relationship is over. For 2 years it is long over.
Sometimes we get caught in feedback loops for many reasons: security, nostalgia, loneliness. Those loops lead to obsession. When recurring thoughts fill your mind constantly it's not a good thing. I know because I've been there. You can use it like a crutch or an addiction, thinking that you're ill or that you'll die without it.

Pain is the body's way of alerting us that there is a problem. The way to make pain go away is not to ignore it but to concentrate on it's source. When you ignore the pain, either physical or emotional, the mind and body find ways of making us deal with it. In acknowledgment of the pain our mind knows that we are aware of it's existence so that we don't cause more damage.
In my personal experience whenever I caught myself starting to go down that well worn path to self-destruction (it may not be physical but you are mentally and emotionally doing it), I would take a deep breath and acknowledge that it is over and there is nothing I can do about it. You can go back in your mind and try to change things but that solves nothing. You can worry about it but that just digs your hole deeper.

It's perfectly normal to be hurt by relationships that don't work out. And it's perfectly normal to want to try and go back to the good times. But it's unhealthy to torture yourself over another persons life and choices.

Honestly: I think this has gone beyond her, she's become the immaculate virgin angel and you're just Quasimodo. We both know that's a load of bullshit. Let the bitch go!