Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Post #49 (For lack of a better name)

So here’s what I did yesterday, after that last post. I decided I’d look for some friends of mine online and get them to complain about their problems, and then finally I went to visit Depressia so she could complain about her problems. I figured that would put everything into perspective, and it made me feel marginally better.

One of my friends was about to get some teeth pulled at the dentist, and was justifiable distraught about that. Of course, I told her I was fine, that I was just bored.

Then at Depressia’s place, she complained about the usual – the size of her room, how blind she is now, how deaf she is… and then of course she talked about Obama and Hilary, and how she thinks Hilary should be given a chance.

“I’m afraid McCain will continue what Bush is doing, and keep the war going. I think Hilary is smarter than that.”

“What about Obama?” I asked her.

“Obama is smart too. But he has to prove he is Christian.”

“What? That doesn’t make sense.”

“They are trying to get him to admit he is Muslim, but he is not religious.”

“Why can’t he just be an atheist? Why a Christian of all things?”

But of course, I realized that this is the Americans we’re talking about. Americans are basically a bunch of insecure Christian patriots who still don’t seem to quite get the concept of separation of church and state. That’s right, you heard me. No, no, not you, Ravens. You’re cool. Put the pitchfork down.

Seriously though, if you ask me, (and no one is), I would say Obama for president. Because he’s smart. You won’t catch him saying dumb shit like “this is a holy war,” like some mindless Muslim or kooky Christian would. I’m looking at you, Bush! And you… other Bush.

And my other grandmother, Loopy, reached a new record yesterday. She left 48 messages on the answering machine! 48! I didn’t even know it had that much storage. And the messages are getting stranger. One message to my dad was telling him to call himself at his own phone number. Another message was left from her neighbor’s house, with her neighbor reluctantly leaving her own number on the machine, as my grandmother explained she couldn’t be reached at her own home.

Apparently when she couldn’t get through for the 30th or 40th time, she assumed her phone wasn’t working properly, so she went to her neighbor’s house to use theirs. I was told later this wouldn’t be the first time she did this either.

So, that’s update on the family. Now finally, an update on the date that I stupidly stood up yesterday. She got in touch with me. It turns out she only waited twenty minutes and then left, which honestly, is more than fair. I personally would (and in fact, have) waited much longer for a tardy date. (At least three times as long, though I’m beginning to question why.) Anyway, apparently she just assumed something happened and shrugged it off and went for a nice walk in the downtown sun. She’s somehow decided I’m worth another chance, so I’m meeting her downtown on Friday.

It weird, because I was totally expecting that to be it. No more chances. Being late for the first date, that’s like being late for a job interview, or your first day at work. You do that, you’re fired. I’ve had women turn me away for less.

In fact, the woman just before this one, whom I’m met through lavalife, was turned off me because I hadn’t read Pride and Prejudice, which I do actually do want to read, though no thanks to her. When a woman turns me away for a reason like that, I’m glad, because man, that’s psychotic. This is the sort of thing my Auntie Flo would do. This chick is going to be alone for a very long time. I’d put money on her account still being active a year from now. I say this because I’ve dated a number of women over a year ago who are still on there. I suppose you could accuse me of having a double standard, and you would be right, but that it only because of the skewed numbers on the site. There are two men for every one woman there, so for the ladies, it’s like being a kid in a candy store, except the candy wants to pay for itself. So yeah, I have a double standard. When men are still on the site a year later, it’s because they’re having trouble finding the right girl. When women are still single and one the site a year later, it’s because they’re way too picky. I mean come on! You think I’d turn away a hot girl because I found out she never saw “Back to the Future”? Seriously, Ema, if I say something like that to you, that my date hadn’t seen that movie and I think she might not be the one, bitchslap me and say “then sit down and watch it with her, bitch!” People seem to fail to realize that when somebody hasn’t read a particular work, or seen a certain film, that this is your opportunity to shape them the way you want. That’s every woman’s wet dream right there. I guy she can shape.

And despite my best efforts, I do have a huge crush on this woman that I haven’t even met. And the fact that she’s giving me another chance, without even a side order of guilt makes the crush all the more difficult to resist.


Anonymous said...

Actually, the only time I've ever gotten out my pitchfork over your blog was for your post about the girls on lava life. I even wrote a snotty comment about fat girls, and girls who think they're fat and aren't, but then I read it to a certain friend of ours and he and I started squabbling about it and in the end I decided to eat some ice cream and let it go.
Americans are largely religious nuts. That's (partly) why I live in Canada.
I don't think I've ever met a man who has read Pride and Prejudice... at least not because he wanted to. Though I do think that the man who is well versed in Austin has the key to getting all the Anglo-Saxon pussy he could ask for. Seriously. I went to see the Kiera Knightly P&P in the theatre (and it is a beautiful film, by the way) and the theatre was full of women. And they all cried in the end when Mr. Darcy says, "You have bewitched me, body and soul." That dude could have had his pick, right then and there.
Good luck with your date! Hurrah for a second chance.

Malice Blackheart said...

LOL – “but then I read it to a certain friend of ours and he and I started squabbling about it and in the end I decided to eat some ice cream and let it go.” I almost fell out of my chair laughing when I read this. To be sure, your “certain friend” is very lucky to have you. The healing power of ice cream is incredible. My last girlfriend could put away a whole tub of the stuff in one sitting. It was completely adorable.

Yeah, obviously my intention with that other post wasn’t to take a stab at obesity and eating disorders, (actually, for sometime I’ve wanted to do a rant on eating disorders), but rather to exaggeratingly mock lavalife. I’m a complex guy, and I know there’s more to life than bullying fatties.

LOL – “Anglo-Saxon pussy” You slay me, Ravens, really!

Hillary Big Dick said...

Hey now! All that religious stuff down south didn't start until Reagan and Bush 1.

That being said, Obama seems like he's got a lot of goodness, but he is still quite new to the political game. So hopefully Dick Cheney will go for a third term

Anonymous said...

I know you wouldn't "bully fatties," even if you do call yourself Malice Blackheart. :) And I know that's not what that post was about, which is the real reason that I kept my snotty comments to myself. Well, I may have muttered them into my ice cream. And our certain (and perhaps unfortunate) friend certainly got an earful about the ills of our society's standard of beauty!
The point of this is obviously that ice cream rocks real hard.