Thursday, May 8, 2008

#8: Bullying Fatties

For one day only, I'm actually working in an office. Well, it's my mom's office - for those of you who don't know, she's a criminal defence attorney. Her secretary's off today, and I'm the replacement. It's pretty slow though, obviously, as I have time do my blog entry. Now if only I could land myself a job like this for the other 364 days of the year, I'd be set. I could get paid $100-$200 a day to sit around answering phones, making photocopies, but mostly wasting time online, you know, the way most civil servants. The mounties for instance. Lazy bastards.

Anyway, I didn't bring in my proper list, so I'm just going to recall items as they come to me, to pass the time. So hopefully there will be more than one entry today. The first thing to come to mind is...

#8: Bullied a fat girl who was half my age

This takes goes back to about 2001. I was 21. It was my sister's 12th birthday party, and the arrangement was for her and all of her friends to go to and see the (then) new Harry Potter movie. My father and I were basically chaperones, as there were too many kids to take by car, so we he had to heard them like sheep on a train. If that makes sense.

Okay, to the heart of what happened. One girl was telling lies about Las Angeles. I knew they were all lies because I'd just been there, and I wasn't having them, and I wasn't letting her pass her lies onto anyone else either. And you know how kids are. Their such bad liars, they don't even know their lies are bad.

So as a retort, she says: "Oh yeah, well you have a receeding hairline, which means you're going to be bald when you're older, so ha-ha!"
"Oh yeah, well you have a bulging mid-line, and that means you're going to be fat when you're older, so double ha-ha."
"You called me fat. I get to kick you now."
And as she approached for her free kick, I got into a fighting stance and warned her that I knew three different martial arts and had longer legs than her. That shut her up, or at least it got her not to start kicking me. (I don't like it when kids kick me, dammit! I've still got bruises on my shins from my damn little cousin. Must... not... strangle...)

I like to think I was trying to retaliate in this way to teach her a little humility, but of course, that never works with kids. Their either too insolent to care, or they think it's funny to get you mad, or they actually take it to heart, and develop a complex.

And then again, maybe I was just being is, I'm thinking "What? You think you're better than me because you're gonna have more hair than me? Well you're also gonna have more chub than me, little miss chubbity chub-chub." It doesn't exactly come off as a classy retort.

This sparked an argument with my sister recently. She said I was being immature and I called her a big stupid poopie face. Now who's being immature? Haw! Anyway, silliness aside, I now feel like a bit of a jerk for retaliating like that on a girl who was too young and stupid to know any better.

I wonder where and what she's doing now. For all I know, she may have turned out to be quite nice.

I also wonder about this business of bullying fatties, and whether it's genetic or something. I often think it's a form of emulation of my parents, who are both relentless when it comes to making fun of obese people, even though they have obese friends.

Anyway, it comes full circle, because I know I don't like it when people make fun of me, particularly if it's something I can't change. When I was a kid, the other kids made fun of how pale I was. Seriously, I look like a vampire. Even my mom made fun of me. Wow did that ever piss me off.

And now she's just down the hall, working on a murder file. Maybe I'll throw a paper plane at her...



Maury's talent agent. said...

Damned! Your parents are jerks! "Hey pasty white fatty kid! Where's your tanning butter? HAW HAW HAW!"
But seriously: The kid was using adult lines in a fight, and therefore had to be tried as an adult. Fattiness is an equal amount of force to Baldiness, I am equally offended by both because my people are fat and bald. If you added excessively body-haired you would have my genetics, or as I call it The Golden Triumverate.
But even more seriously, I do sense one of those Maury Povich "I was fat now I'm fine! Look at me now!" Shows in the works.
Poor hapless unknowing Malice is going to get invited to a live taping of the Maury show. They'll shuffle you out onto the stage with all the bright lights then you'll get to watch some nubile young stripper gyrate about, marketing her wares, then you'll feel remorse then back to blogging!

spookygreentea said...

They are horrible and remorseless about mocking fat people, aren't they?

I remember that Mum once called one of my larger friends on having horrible fashion sense - truth is, she admitted, she just thought the fashion didn't suit her because of the girl's size. Not very nice. I guess we all slip up on occasion. Still, I think she at least realizes it.

Generally I try to call all of you on it. No mocking the ill-fatted! E-errr, wait..